Female on Female Hate

Hello Blogville, I have been seeing some renewed activities from a few Blogville veterans lately and that just spurred me on to write about something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now.

I’m going to be writing about an age old problem that women from every facet of life seem to experience at some point in their lives. I went to an all-girls school and I have seen first class how bullying by another female can be quite demoralising for the bullied. Some girls just hate you for the heck of just hating you. I remember, following an act of kindness to some random girl in secondary school, her clique of friends approached me to thank me and to say that they didn’t realise I was so nice. Before then, they perceived me to be snobbish despite never having spoken to me before. I was taken aback by their revelation as I saw myself as the complete opposite. Yes, I was usually well kitted out but that didn’t stop me from seeing myself as awkward and lacking in confidence. Plus, growing up with five brothers meant I didn’t easily mix with other girls and was generally shy around them. Apparently, many of my school mates took that to being snobbish and I recall encountering a lot of hate from class mates and other girls in the school.

Why am I writing about this? A few weeks ago, I saw some headlines while scrolling through my FB newsfeed. The first headline was between two

Nollywood Actresses in the picture to the right. It’s not the feud that caught my attention but the comment from a lady calling them both ‘old bitches’. Whatever for? What exactly warrants such name calling for people she’s never met and possibly never will? Yet, I see we women call each other names so flippantly like someone who has an axe to grind.

The other headline that stood out to me is the one below along with the comment that caught my attention. I am not in support of a woman choosing to be a Stripper, but I'm fully aware of her freewill to be one. The last time I checked, there were both male and female Strippers.

 How come the men never get called names the same way we women just love calling ourselves bitches and hoes? Isn’t it bad enough that songs performed by men are full of derogatory comments and attitudes towards women? Must we make propagating such attitudes easier, when we ought to be standing shoulder to shoulder in fighting these stereotypes?

While doing a bit of research for this article, I found a 2013 article in Psychology Today which tried to give an explanation for why women hate on each other so much. Apparently, we are more sensitive than men to social exclusion, so we exclude any third party who tries to threaten us in this way. Basically a case of ‘I will get you before you get me’. They also found that “women who are mean-spirited about other women were often raised by a mother who probably didn't like herself and didn't feel warmly toward women, in general, either”. They also found that the majority of female criticism actually stems from feeling inadequate in an area of life a woman highly values. So often times she's not being critical of other women because she thinks less of them; she is covetous of what they have instead.

Women need to stop hating on each other so much. We have such a monumental battles to fight in our everyday lives, like breaking the glass ceiling, reclaiming the conversation about our bodies and kicking out the idealistic view of beauty and sexuality. We need not add the sister hating to the long list of our current battles! 

Confronting the New You

...or perhaps the YOU that you only just found out.

No point saying it's been a minute. I've looked around blogville and I can hardly recognise new bloggers. It's refreshing to see that a lot more people have taken on blogging to unleash their creativity. That can only be a good thing. Before I get carried away with my observation, I need to get quickly to today's post.

My life has really changed in the last few years, I got married, became a mum, gained a new family and even moved to a different place. They're all mostly positive things. Then there have been the challenging times, like learning to put yourself second, being responsible for someone else, learning to navigate the new relationships formed and the complexities of living with someone etc.

While all this was happening, I also came to a new realisation, I do not like WORKING! I've always thought myself as a hard worker. I did well academically and excelled in all roles I've held. I've always thought I will be some top notch career woman. I'm in an industry where there's so much opportunity for progression and I'm still only in my early 30s...what could possibly go wrong?

Well well, Parakeet simply doesn't like the 9 to 5. My role is quite intense. I spend a good part of my day writing materials for bids and what not. I do well...I get the contracts in BUT I hate my job. I doubt I will like any other job that requires me to wake up in the morning and go through the same old thing over and over again. That's not me...this is not what I thought having a career means. I got it all wrong. Or maybe I'm not just cut out to be a career woman. Maybe that term in itself is a cliche or another ideology to get us all to conform. Something for us to feel like we've achieved something with our lives while lining the pockets of the capitalist with wads of money. Maybe it's nothing...

Now, I've got to go back to the drawing board and figure out exactly what I want to do and will enjoy doing. It's a shock actually to think at my age I still don't know what I want out of life. But maybe life is just not one linear streak of living, maybe life is an adventure with nooks and crannies to explore. Maybe this is going to be a rebirth for me...my second chance at life. To discover new things and rekindle old interests.

I have my plans mapped out for the next year or so, so the discovery cant start now...but when the appointed time comes, I hope it's one that I find exciting and rewarding.

it's been too long...

My dear blog :)


Seems like distant memory now when I used to race to my laptop, typing away and reading blogs. I miss those days of spare time to think and write and just the desire to share.




Things have got a little serious now. I'm not even sure I can write 'normal' anymore. Life is a lot busier but better. Desires have changed and pursuits have got more determined.




Maybe I shall resurrect my blog one day but for now au revoir!

Am I Selfish?

Hello blogville, I trust everyone is doing well and getting things ready for Christmas. I am particularly excited about Christmas this year as my hubby's family will be spending their day at ours and my mum is around as well. More importantly my baby will be almost 5months on Christmas day...yaaah!

Talking about babies, it's been pretty much great being a first time mum. I find it quite fulfilling and while I've always been fretful that I may not be able to have a child of my own, I am grateful for the opportunity to be called a mother and for the responsibility of looking after someone. However, nothing could have prepared me first for labour and secondly for the changes that my body went through. While the labour pain is now of distance memory, my body is a constant reminder of what I've gone through since discovering I was pregnant last year November. My belly has yet to go back to normal. I know now it is wishful thinking to expect it to without bursting my guts out in a gym and drastically cutting down on my food intake. Fat chance of that happening though as I'm breastfeeding exclusively and I'm constantly munching on one thing or another to ward off hunger. It doesn't help that I've suddenly developed a love for baking so I'm never in want of my favourite pasties or cakes.

These days I feel a bit depressed about how drawn out the process of breastfeeding is and I feel frustrated that I cant start my diet regime for a few good months. I'm also bored stiff of being at home. I don't want to return to work just yet so as to give my baby all the attention and care he needs and am not particularly losing out much as I still get paid. But I'm desperately in need of something stimulating to do. Writing is not stimulating enough as I still lack the motivation for it. I also found that I cant stand any intensive thinking or working through situations that require critical thinking. I somehow feel like my brain cells have fried and I cant really string proper sentences together or work things out as quickly and as easily as I used to. I certainly couldn't have tackled an MBA now had I not finished my studies last year. I feel totally like a stranger to myself and I just keep thinking why did no one tell me about all this unglamorous side of having a baby?

I know I sound like an ungrateful sod, I love my baby and the sleepless nights are nothing (weirdly enough they don't bother me) but I just don't understand why I feel so fat, bored and demotivated. Is this normal?

Knock! Knock!! Knock!!!

Oh dear! It's been so long. A whole year flew by and not a word from me. Not that I flatter myself that anyone cares, but I'M ALIVE! I don't wanna bore you with the same old 'a lot has happened' but I could easily write a 500 page novel if not more of events in my life in the past year.

This summer has been great for Londoners (I no longer qualify to be called a Londoner as I now live in a very green small town about 40 minutes from NW London). I did miss all the pomp and glory of the Queens Jubilee, Olympics and the Paralympics games considering it took place  at my doorstep when I lived in East London but i stayed glued to the TV and tried to be a part of all the excitement. I'm particularly happy about how well the Nigerian Paralympics team did and I hope as a nation lessons will be learned from their performance.

While I was absent from blogville, I always wondered what my first return post would be about and even though I've had over a year to come up with something, a tangible topic still eludes me. It can only mean I'm still not ready to write yet so no point sweating it. This is a start though, so who knows I may just be back tomorrow or worst case scenario, never! (Gosh I hope not).

So for now, I'll end here and do a quick blog round to see what I've missed.

Women: Are We Our Own Enemy?

I ask this question because I've noticed the many struggles we sisters go through. We are unlikely to tell each other the truth and always go out of our way to paint a rosy picture of our situations when just speaking the truth may inspire and in many cases help another sister.

In this post, I am going to turn my attention to domestic violence. Many cases of it have been in my face lately and I'm forced to ask the question, what is going on? How come we have so many cases of it coming to the limelight now? We all know some women get battered in marriage both physically and mentally but the sheer number of cases cropping up these days has given me a cause to ponder on the choice we make in our life partners.

I know many expectations have changed and one cant simply say I'm marrying for love these days. Many women marry for all sorts of reasons; to get the parents off their backs, as a status thing, for security, for kids, for money or for whatever reason. But are we so driven by our desire to get hitched that we somehow slack on scrutinising the quality of the men we go for? I am by no means suggesting that just the men are to blame for this but are we as women actually assessing that beyond our physical and social needs we're indeed mentally ready to be a wife, mother and a life partner?

I'm inclined to believe that many women who are getting into marriages these days have very little ideas what to expect and feel ill-equipped to deal with situations because they've actually not dated or courted properly. From day one, what most women see especially when you're past a certain age is the altar and you just start to scheme and plan and strategise on how to get the man to commit. A commitment he might not want or be ready for. I am guilty of this as well.

This is probably due to the fact that as singles we get the most criticism from other sisters? Why isn't she married? Why does she not have kids yet? What's she doing with that short and ugly man? How could she stoop so low? And the list goes on and on. Little wonder women are just entering into union for the heck of it or for reasons of drawing approvals and admirations?

We need to go back to the drawing board sisters because I don't want to hear another story of a sister who topped herself or another whose husband butchered her to death. It is sickening, it is scary and I know it can be avoided. This is the time to act and the time to start changing our attitudes and expectations. Getting married or being with a man should not be a means to an end, it should be a well thought out process, a full awareness of oneself and a journey one is prepared to make in the right frame of mind and for the right reasons.

The two worlds of Lagos

I have just returned from a short trip to Nigeria and it was fun. I met up with someone I've been longing to see and wasn't disappointed. I wish I had time to see many more people but there's always another time.

I've seen a few improvements in Lagos but I reckon BRF's accomplishment was overblown. I dare say though that where he's been a bit active, Akala has been comatose in Ibadan. Crying shame for Africa's purported largest city. I went to my home town of Ijebu-Ode and it was just so dusty. Why don't people paint their homes? A lot of people have moved into the small town and I particularly hated seeing those keke Marwa everywhere. I thought they were confined to Lagos only.

What I liked about Lagos was that it's cleaner and what I disliked most was the fact that it seems the mainland was forgotten and most of the improvements have been largely on the Island. Yes, I know Lagos is a class city but it is just too blatant that they continue to improve the Island so much for the rich and the improvements on the mainland is minimal. On the mainland where I stayed mostly, I saw a lot of angry and impatient people but I went to Shoprite and saw people acting as if they don't shit.

Anyway it is what it is...better some improvement than nothing. I did enjoy my visit to Nigeria though and hopefully I'll get to visit soon again and stay for longer.