Monday, 26 October 2009

Living A Goalless Life

Hello lovely peoples, I hope I meet una well.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and one of the questions that arose was, Parakeet what's your goal in life??? And the answer is NONE! It is scary. I actually do things without really thinking deep as to what I want to come out of it. I looked through my life and realised that I've actually never wanted to be one thing. I've always seen the possibility of me being several things. Naturally my flair has always been for writing and reading everything readable. I enjoyed literature and every subject relating to the humanities. But then when I went to the hostel I became like a glorified Nurse. I was able to diagnose pretty accurately what could be wrong with someone and I was able to tell them what medication to use. I was never a sickly child, I just had a lot of sensitivities to things so I knew what Ihad to avoid and what I had to take when I was struck down by an illness. Everyone told me I had missed my calling. I should have gone to science class and studied to become a doctor or a pharmacist. But then they also said I'd make a good Teacher when my study time at the refectory became my teaching time. Yes our refectory doubled as our reading area so everyone came to Si Parakeet (as we were fondly called then). Well maybe not so fondly when you think about how wicked some Seniors were. I wasn't one of them though, seriously. lol.

Moving on to the higher institution I felt I could be a good Pyschologist. I had the ability to listen and give objective advice which when tried works (wish I could be the same with myself). Then I was involved in some social activities as an MC and Radio Presenter and some people saw a colourful career in the entertainment industry for me. Even I saw it but not so much now...hehehe. Some people say I ask the oddest questions and probe a bit too much so I'd be a good lawyer. Plus everything politics interests me which means I'd do well. All these little fragments of everything but no real ambition. I've never seen myself in the attire of a Lawyer trying to bring to book the world's most dangerous criminal. Never saw myself on TV as one beautiful Newscaster all the men are trying to date. Never seen me behind a huge table giving an advice to someone who had just tried to commit suicide, nor have I ever seen myself in a white gown holding a stethoscope. I have never even seen myself being knocked up and playing wifey in a home. So what have I ever seen myself as? The answer is NOTHING!

I went to school, got an education, came out with really good grades, got a passable job and I earn a living. I am able to pay my way. If I want something desperately I just need to save for it for a few months and I can buy it for myself (well aside a house and a jet). I have a 'relatively' comfortable life but I dont think I have big dreams. I dont see myself driving a posh or living in a big house. It doesn't mean I dont have desires. I do. Like I wish I could actually get my LPC done and qualify as a Solicitor and do pro bono work for the less priviledged in Nigeria. Like I wish I could have money to set up a charity and just educate and empower as many women as possible. I wish I could marry a wonderful man one day and be happy with a kid or two. But you see they're just wishes and if I dont achieve them it wouldn't seem like I've failed.

I know or at least we all know that it is normal to have goals. They say it gives you a purpose for living. However for me it is different. It is becoming more and more apparent that I just live for today and when the tide of life comes it blows wherever it likes, I pick myself up and then re-strategise and continue to live my life. Surely there's something wrong with that. Surely one must have goals and strive to fulfil them as a test of ones character. Can anyone diagnose the problem with Parakeet? Or am I just being to hard on myself?