Saturday, 1 December 2012

Am I Selfish?

Hello blogville, I trust everyone is doing well and getting things ready for Christmas. I am particularly excited about Christmas this year as my hubby's family will be spending their day at ours and my mum is around as well. More importantly my baby will be almost 5months on Christmas day...yaaah!

Talking about babies, it's been pretty much great being a first time mum. I find it quite fulfilling and while I've always been fretful that I may not be able to have a child of my own, I am grateful for the opportunity to be called a mother and for the responsibility of looking after someone. However, nothing could have prepared me first for labour and secondly for the changes that my body went through. While the labour pain is now of distance memory, my body is a constant reminder of what I've gone through since discovering I was pregnant last year November. My belly has yet to go back to normal. I know now it is wishful thinking to expect it to without bursting my guts out in a gym and drastically cutting down on my food intake. Fat chance of that happening though as I'm breastfeeding exclusively and I'm constantly munching on one thing or another to ward off hunger. It doesn't help that I've suddenly developed a love for baking so I'm never in want of my favourite pasties or cakes.

These days I feel a bit depressed about how drawn out the process of breastfeeding is and I feel frustrated that I cant start my diet regime for a few good months. I'm also bored stiff of being at home. I don't want to return to work just yet so as to give my baby all the attention and care he needs and am not particularly losing out much as I still get paid. But I'm desperately in need of something stimulating to do. Writing is not stimulating enough as I still lack the motivation for it. I also found that I cant stand any intensive thinking or working through situations that require critical thinking. I somehow feel like my brain cells have fried and I cant really string proper sentences together or work things out as quickly and as easily as I used to. I certainly couldn't have tackled an MBA now had I not finished my studies last year. I feel totally like a stranger to myself and I just keep thinking why did no one tell me about all this unglamorous side of having a baby?

I know I sound like an ungrateful sod, I love my baby and the sleepless nights are nothing (weirdly enough they don't bother me) but I just don't understand why I feel so fat, bored and demotivated. Is this normal?