Monday, 28 June 2010

I Feel I Should Write Something

Dear Blog,

I cant say it has been a while. I have come here so many times to write something and never getting past the draft level. I counted this morning and there are seven drafts waiting to be published, none of which will see the light of day because those events have now passed.

These past few weeks have been very busy for me. There's a lot going on at work and I've been house hunting too. I'm moving into a new chapter in my life and I can hear faint tremors in my heart. On other days there's so much quietness inside of me that I can barely hear a thing. Not even my heart throbbing delicately against my chest.

There's so much I want to write about but so little is coming out. I used to be able to find solace here but not anymore. I mean I dont just feel I can come here and pour my heart to you anymore yet there's so much I carry inside of me. I dont want to complain, in fact I cant complain because there's so much to be grateful for. However I feel the next 6 months may roll into 2008 again. There's a distant fear that something may come and topple my peace and happiness and it will totally be of my doing.

I sit here and I think of how to stop that from happening. I'm bereft of ideas by that very fear that is etching away my optimism. There are so many things I wish I could undo. Or rather by some magical process blot it all away from my memory that I may go back to living life with clarity of mind and optimism. The nothing dey happen kind of optimism.

Likewise, there are so many people I wish I hadn't met. Those with heart of steels, the slimy ones, the ones with hidden agenda, the wolves in sheep clothing, those who pretend to care, those who just want to destroy you, the unforgiving ones as well as those who just think they are better than you. The ones who think one mistake defines you, chauvinistic and predatory pigs.

Am I angry? Well until writing this note I didn't think I was. Do I detect regret somewhere? Oh yes loads of it and I blame myself for it all. I brought this upon myself by sharing a table with people who should never have come past the door. By waiting until it was too late to do something about it and by thinking I was helpless when I had the power in me all along to prevail.

Dearest blog, there it is...I managed to pour it out. Now ciao!