Monday, 28 June 2010

I Feel I Should Write Something

Dear Blog,

I cant say it has been a while. I have come here so many times to write something and never getting past the draft level. I counted this morning and there are seven drafts waiting to be published, none of which will see the light of day because those events have now passed.

These past few weeks have been very busy for me. There's a lot going on at work and I've been house hunting too. I'm moving into a new chapter in my life and I can hear faint tremors in my heart. On other days there's so much quietness inside of me that I can barely hear a thing. Not even my heart throbbing delicately against my chest.

There's so much I want to write about but so little is coming out. I used to be able to find solace here but not anymore. I mean I dont just feel I can come here and pour my heart to you anymore yet there's so much I carry inside of me. I dont want to complain, in fact I cant complain because there's so much to be grateful for. However I feel the next 6 months may roll into 2008 again. There's a distant fear that something may come and topple my peace and happiness and it will totally be of my doing.

I sit here and I think of how to stop that from happening. I'm bereft of ideas by that very fear that is etching away my optimism. There are so many things I wish I could undo. Or rather by some magical process blot it all away from my memory that I may go back to living life with clarity of mind and optimism. The nothing dey happen kind of optimism.

Likewise, there are so many people I wish I hadn't met. Those with heart of steels, the slimy ones, the ones with hidden agenda, the wolves in sheep clothing, those who pretend to care, those who just want to destroy you, the unforgiving ones as well as those who just think they are better than you. The ones who think one mistake defines you, chauvinistic and predatory pigs.

Am I angry? Well until writing this note I didn't think I was. Do I detect regret somewhere? Oh yes loads of it and I blame myself for it all. I brought this upon myself by sharing a table with people who should never have come past the door. By waiting until it was too late to do something about it and by thinking I was helpless when I had the power in me all along to prevail.

Dearest blog, there it is...I managed to pour it out. Now ciao!

8 comments:

BBB said...

everyone is allowed mistake hun
hugs

it aint ur fault u met slimy people
giving people chances is a way of life
and next time it might turn out better
glad u finally stood up and had the strength to kick them out

Sisi Yemmie said...

I do that too sometimes, leave alot in the draft section. And its Okay to have regrets...we're all goign thru this thing called life

doll said...

i can relate with the dinning with people that shouldnt have been let into the door part

Jaycee said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. The first step is always recognizing what regrets you have, and then you can move forward from there. :)

Myne Whitman said...

Take it easy OK, the past you may not have had much say over, nor can you redo it. But the future and the power over it is in you. All the best.

musco said...

really deep & what else can I say???

It is well!

Nemesiz said...

Hey, the past is a foreign country, let it go. It's hard, believe me I know just how hard it is, but you gotta try.

Go into your new chapter with all the optimism you want/need...enjoy it. Allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the phenomena around you. When challenges arise in your new setup - and they will - make an effort to make it work...don't just give it up like some self-fulfilling prophecy.

Raise your head up high and walk tall. Only today matters.

Yours,

Nemesiz

Parakeet said...

@BBB...Thanks sis.
@Sisi Yemmie...Some pple say if you have regrets then you've not really lived. I wonder how true that is.
@Doll...oh well, gone are those days now.
@Jaycee...Thanks for your kind words
@Myne...dont mind me, I always manage to sound dramatic.
@Musco...you've said enough. Thanks for comforts.
@Nemesiz...you always have a way with words.