Saturday, 1 December 2012

Am I Selfish?

Hello blogville, I trust everyone is doing well and getting things ready for Christmas. I am particularly excited about Christmas this year as my hubby's family will be spending their day at ours and my mum is around as well. More importantly my baby will be almost 5months on Christmas day...yaaah!

Talking about babies, it's been pretty much great being a first time mum. I find it quite fulfilling and while I've always been fretful that I may not be able to have a child of my own, I am grateful for the opportunity to be called a mother and for the responsibility of looking after someone. However, nothing could have prepared me first for labour and secondly for the changes that my body went through. While the labour pain is now of distance memory, my body is a constant reminder of what I've gone through since discovering I was pregnant last year November. My belly has yet to go back to normal. I know now it is wishful thinking to expect it to without bursting my guts out in a gym and drastically cutting down on my food intake. Fat chance of that happening though as I'm breastfeeding exclusively and I'm constantly munching on one thing or another to ward off hunger. It doesn't help that I've suddenly developed a love for baking so I'm never in want of my favourite pasties or cakes.

These days I feel a bit depressed about how drawn out the process of breastfeeding is and I feel frustrated that I cant start my diet regime for a few good months. I'm also bored stiff of being at home. I don't want to return to work just yet so as to give my baby all the attention and care he needs and am not particularly losing out much as I still get paid. But I'm desperately in need of something stimulating to do. Writing is not stimulating enough as I still lack the motivation for it. I also found that I cant stand any intensive thinking or working through situations that require critical thinking. I somehow feel like my brain cells have fried and I cant really string proper sentences together or work things out as quickly and as easily as I used to. I certainly couldn't have tackled an MBA now had I not finished my studies last year. I feel totally like a stranger to myself and I just keep thinking why did no one tell me about all this unglamorous side of having a baby?

I know I sound like an ungrateful sod, I love my baby and the sleepless nights are nothing (weirdly enough they don't bother me) but I just don't understand why I feel so fat, bored and demotivated. Is this normal?


Myne Whitman said...

As far as I know, every woman experiences first time motherhood differently so I won't say there's any normal or that you're selfish. They say it does get better with time as you adjust and adapt to the new you. But if you feel too put upon, you may want to speak to someone, a professional, about the specific issues.

Congrats, and take care of you both :)

doll (retired blogger) said...


congrats on your child. i am so loooking forward to motherhood.

Maternity is long in England which is probably why you are bored but the minute you resume work now, you would start longing for these days so make the most of it.

I suggest you start exercising though. I know loads of people, our own sirius inclusive, infact she started exercising at 6 weeks post baby and went to the gym 6 out of 7 days in a week

Good luck and hugs

Parakeet said...

@Myne...thanks dear. You're right different mothers will have different experiences of motherhood. I wouldn't say I have a bad experience but this is the longest in my life where I am neither working nor studying so I think I'm just finding it a tad difficult adjusting to my new duties as a mum. I hope I'll get over it with time because I do actually find it rewarding.
@Doll...hmm. I suspect you're preggies. Congratulations are in order I guess. Thanks dear. I wanted to start exercising after 6 weeks myself but when i went for my post-natal check up, I was told my bones were still too flexible as a result of the SPD I suffered while pregnant. So I'm due for another check up next week, which will confirm if it's okay for me to start exercising or not. Aww, I didn't know Sirius had a baby...congrats to her.

Mamuje said...

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I guess nothing prepares one for motherhood but I believe you will be fine.... you dont want to plunge into depression so I guess you need to start going out (I know it sounds a bit weird as its freezing at this time of the year). Try and find new mums who may share the same fears and talk it out... just to let you know, you are not alone. Most importantly, step away from the pastries :-)

Beulah! said...

Congratulations on d birth of ur baby. I guess what u are experiencing now is a phase & u will come out of it pretty soon.

It's an honor being a mother, i am not one yet but i pray to be one some day.

All d best!

Parakeet said...

@Mamuje...God forbid bad thing oh. My mum has been around since last May so I do have some help. I think am just going through a personal battle of reconciling my down time now with my hitherto busy lifestyle. I promise to stay off the pastries but not before i make some cupcakes later...hehehehe.
@Beulah...aww thanks. I pray God grant our heart wishes in Jesus name. Amen.

Zena said...

Not a mummy, but I feel like what you're going through is normal.

How about walking? reading? Joining some kind of mummy group?

tobenna said...

Wow. It has really been forever since we last related.
You got married and have a baby?!
Very interesting life you have led in the recent past...
I have missed you.
Hope all is well?

Kitten said...

No sweetie. You are not selfish at all. You are feeling what many women experience and some won't admit. Having a child IS life-changing. It's important to have some "YOU" time. Congrats and all the best to you.