Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Forbidden Love and Love Misconceptions

I decided to put up this post because of the result of an earlier poll I conducted. A total of 25 people gave their opinion and just over a half of them said yes they would date the friend of an ex. To me that's a very startling result. When I put up that poll I expected more people to go for the "Are you mad" answer and those who would be in the affirmative to be in the minority. On the other hand I am happy that perhaps we as a people are moving away from those factors that forbade us to love. Perhaps we're gradually coming to the realisation that what matters at the end of the day is love? What really is love though?

In my last post I highlighted the situation that occurred between me and the friend of an ex. On reflection, I know now that I rejected him not because he was a friend of my ex but because I just didn't like him enough. Since that time, a friend of another ex has crossed my path and even I am surprised at the amount of feelings I have for him and if circumstances permitted us to be together then I'd gladly jump at the opportunity. Bottom line is when you really like someone and you know within yourself that this person is good for you and you both have honorable intentions, why should something such as him or her being a friend of your ex stop you from experiencing something most people want but only few are lucky enough to have? I am inclined to believe that the seven respondents who said they didn't know if they would date the friend of an ex could change their mind if given good reasons. If the other person is able to prove to them and make them see why they ought to be together, I want to believe that they would welcome the idea. Of course I may be wrong but this is totally my opinion.

Some people would argue that if you once loved your ex then you should never consider his friend later however much time may have passed since you last dated him/her. I started dating now a little under a decade ago and I still cant grasp the full understanding of the word 'love'. I was having a rather interesting chat with someone last week and he asked me if I had ever being in love. I answered saying I thought so but I get confused what love really is sometimes. He then offered a definition saying it is "that feeling that you feel what you never felt before". Yea I've heard that before except that my experience of falling and being in love has defied this modest definition time and time over. I know for certain I've been in love more than once and on those occasions the feeling did feel brand new and perhaps more intense than the previous but it's only a matter of time before I feel like that again where my previous feelings have been dashed. This is not to suggest that I fall in and out of love easily because there is usually a perfectly good reason why I fall out of love. I've been in love with someone I could never be with ever again in my life and don't they say that love never dies?




People say that if you fall in love with someone and later fall out of love with that person then it was not love in the first place but how many people do you know who married that boy or girl they were so crazily in love with for a long time? Most people do not get married to their so-called first love. At least its been eons since I heard such stories. There was always someone before there was you but it does not mean that the former was more special than the latter or does it? Certainly not in most cases or am I just naive? My believe that if you fall in love with someone and it is not watered or if such love does not have the right avenue to grow strong then it will eventually die. It doesn't mean that you never loved, it just meant that you either didn't try enough to keep that love or maybe you tried and the other person just made it extremely difficult for you to keep on. As they say, it takes two.


One of the other things I hear about love is that when you love someone you cant develop feelings for someone else but I know for sure that this is not true. Just because you're in love with someone does not mean that your potential feelings for others will automatically die. It's what you do when you feel for someone else that tests how strong the love you have for the first person is. People just tend to believe that love is all they need and that's where they get it wrong. You cant just have love and then forget about the other factors that makes you a whole person. I liken love to the acceleration you apply to a car to get it going. Yes the car may be a Lamborghini with whatever cylinders and metallic coating and a tank full of  the finest fuel you can get, if you dont get into the driver seat, start the engine and move the car then it is as good as useless. You may even move the car and then drive recklessly and find yourself in the ditch. Love needs careful maneuvering and alertness, it needs looking after and constant polishing. In real life situation we are talking about things such as being faithful, patient, nurturing, attentive, understanding, appreciative, respectful etc. Yes the love you have for someone may want you to want to practice all these things, but it may not necessarily make you practice them. You have to make yourself do so, love just makes it easier to but it is never enough. 

Finally I want to ask the question, does being in love hold the satisfaction one needs to live a fulfilled life? I always wondered but I have come to the realisation that perhaps not. For some it may just be their career and others some adrenaline fueled adventure. I am still finding out where my real satisfaction lies and I'm not sure if I want it to be love cos hmmmm...I rest my case! 

44 comments:

naijalines said...

Love is part of real satisfaction for a fulfilling life. But there should be more to one's life than 'love'. Love is simply a part of life for me. I've got love, I've also got self and awareness of self.

It is important that I choose to love but it is not important that I love at all costs.

ShonaVixen said...

wow long post...lemme read and come and comment properly

bumtight said...

babe, nothing is forbidden anymore! a lot of people date the friends of their exes. that's why the other person is an ex!

H2O-works said...

Yay!!! First...

nicely written, I like the analogy using the car, another analogy I like to use is that Love is the rose flower often used to represent it, it is a beauty to bold, thorny stem yet very delicate, and it needs/takes care and attentiveness to nurture it else it dies...

Oracle said...

Ollay how you doing?
I'm sorry dear for being MIA. Itz just that my small head is being overburdened and there can be no reaction under that condition. I've updated though.

Nice post.

Bondgirl said...

I also dated my ex's friend after we broke up..let me rephrase....waaay after we broke up. The friend and I did not last but at least I knew that and was not left to regret and wonder. Why are there always these rules and restrictions when it comes to love the most free flowing agent of emotions??

Free-flowing Florida said...

wow! dis is deep! where do i start 2 respond?

let's say, my first love (@ least i tot it was, not cos he was d very first guy i totally went gaga 4, but cos he was d first i was actually n d relationship with & i was still going gaga 4 him!) was very special 2 my heart. we had very beautiful moments dat i still remember. i honestly desired 2 marry him. den, i grew up. i realised as much as i still had dez feelings 4 him, there were other aspects of his character i couldn't put up with. i knew dat if i'd married him, we'd both b miserable. cos he couldn't b d man i truly wanted him 2 be, & neither could i be dat woman he wanted me 2 be. so, i decided we were better off apart. he tot i left him cos he ddnt have money, but it wasn't it @ all.

d second man, reminded me a lot of d first. they both had dat special quality i cherished & i was n love too. but there was one thing crucially missing! 4 months i fought 2 convince myself dat dat thing was there. but it just wasn't. i couldn't understand it - dis man has A, B & C, how couldn't he had D. but he simply ddnt! so, once again i knew here was another ingredient dat could make me happy with d man i finally decide 2 marry.

so, wen MM came along, i looked 4 those things dat guys 1 & 2 lacked. 4 me, those were d things dat would sustain any kind of emotion i'd have 4 him & keep it growing 2ru d years. i will not now say dat i love MM more dan i loved d other 2. as 4 my capacity 2 love, i think it's d same 4 all these men. i gave dem all myself, all d love i had 2 give, no one got less or more dan d other. but, wot makes things right dis time around is dat all those 'commas' n d previous relationship is missing n dis present one

Free-flowing Florida said...

i've dated a friend's ex b4. but it was so short a date, & i quickly realised y they broke up n d first place. daz been my last time doing such

Rita said...

I don't believe in what people think or believe. Noone can decide who one would/should/could fall in love with. I like the concept of love because it is no respecter of persons. Love just happens.

Speaking specifically on relationships, There are three kinds of love; EROS, PHILIO and AGAPE. http://theseekeroftruth.blogspot.com/2005/02/3-types-of-love.html

All three would be required for the relationship to be fulfilling.

Personally, having a fulfilling life comes from knowing and loving God. Every other thing seems to give fulfilment to some degree.

kmplx said...

my 2 cents: love is fluid, dynamic and chameleon-like, often misunderstood because it changes all the time making it nearly impossible to pinpoint it to one of its many manifestations. maybe surviving the rollercoaster should be the focus.
friend's ex... totally depends on ex and friend - i would say no, just cos i know what sortsa stuffs my ex's friends are made of. but nowt wrong with it.
siiiigh, nice post!

Rita said...

By the way, this post is beautiful, touching and left me thoughtful...

Afrobabe said...

Well if you decide to follow the ex of a friend be prepared to bear the laughter from her and other friends if the relationship goes wrong…even the guy himself will use that as an insult…
Being in love makes you see sunshine on rainy days so yes I’d say it holds the satisfaction one needs but you have to remain in love which is where the problem comes in…you cant wake up one day and decide he is ugly afterall…then u r no longer in love, abi?

Sting said...

I would totally date the friend of an ex if i knew he was serious about me. Now, would the friend of an ex date me? That's another story. Some guys have this code amongst themselves that alone would stop the friend from even trying to pursue anything with u. I have being in a similar position and it made me so mad cos i was never even in any kind of serious relationship with the ex.

It's so stupid if u ask me. I don't know if u have to love to have a fulfilling life. Different ple get satisfaction from different things.

naijalines said...

It is a full awareness of self that leads to true love...and that is what makes love an all consuming passion...the glue that binds us all in one giant glob of humanity.

Don't mind me...like Musco said, tis definitely 'something in the air' or maybe in the water I drink. LOL.

Funms said...

ive never understood love myself and always figured that with Love everything else becomes perfect until i got an email with this statement
" If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the #1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
"You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot
more!!!"

ShonaVixen said...

i agree with Afro when she says be prepared for your friend to laugh and some friends might pretend its ok BUT deep down they're brewing and venom will be spilt later on..but heey as bumight said nothing is forbidden anymo. I personally havent done it and well just dont feel comfy doing it..but thats just me..if the parties involved are comfortable doing it then heey why not??
What is love??Good question that m still searching for the answer to as well..

ShonaVixen said...

forgot to say i was 2nd!!!not bad...lol...

aloted said...

Hmm...love love love..

very mysterious subject..me i always go back to the creator of Love (GOD) to teach me how to love...

One thing i know is that you can love someone but not be "in love" with them..dunno if that makes sense to u :)

Parakeet said...

@Naijalines...I like your views on love, it can never be everything but its a shame all around us we seem to be made to think to...well aside from money that is. self awareness is indeed important and I think everyone should aim to get to a full sense realisation and what their life stands for.
@Shona...yes o. I dont like long posts either but this couldnt be done otherwise
@Bumtight...na wa for this your new name o, lol. You're right sha, as long as the feelings are genuine and people have good intentions, then it shouldnt be forbidden.
@H20...aww...sorry, my comment moderation thing messed up your first position. I like your philiosophy about love. Very true!
@Oracle...ok...will go read
@Bondgirl...hmm. You see that's always the fear. i think i'd only date an ex's friend if i know definitely we're alter bound. But how do you know really. You may think you;re alter bound then things just change. God help us.
@FFF...wow gurl, thanks for that. My thoughts exactly. Well am glad you found the golden one. I wanna be like you soon.
@Rita...i like the God angle and the other kinds of love. Nothing is ever simple is it? Even with an involuntary feeling such as love.
@Kmplx...gees is like you know what I was thinking. I said to myself while writing this that i just wanna survive the rollercoaster cos when I think I've seen the back of some hard love, another surfaces. It really sucks!
@Rita...thanks love!
@Afro...that's so truth. You wanna love that way then you gotta get yourself ready to face the stink. And staying in love? Well who knows how to do that?
@Sting...yea. I think you could never trust guys cos their definition of love is so different from ours. From experience i know that most men are never on the same page with us when it comes to love. A man will say I love you but I cant marry you or bladibla...bollock!
@Naijalines...so what's in the air?
@Funms...your comment is rather controversial but I like the fact that you're bold enough to say it out. My middle name is the Queen of mistake and I can testify that you do need love even before you get married. I was engaged to be married to a man I didnt love because after trying for like ever to make things permanent with a man I loved it didnt work out. So I figured perhaps I was concentrating on the wrong things. So I picked out someone who adored me, was a christian and in my opinion was a good man but I didnt love him. I thought all of those things was gonna make me love him. Well I was wrong cos even after months of dating and other months of being engaged I still didnt love him. I didn;t have the liver to call off the wedding until i realised that he'd been lying to me about certain important stuff so I called off the wedding almost last minute. On reflection i knew that I would have pressed ahead and married him if I loved him enough cos it would have been easier for me to just forgive the lies. It may turn out to be a wrong decision later in future but at least at that time I would have had some sort of satisfaction. So my dear to me love is just as important as the other stuff and must be in place well before marriage.
@Aloted...yea I know what you mean about loving someone but not being in love with the person but for you to have a fulfilling relationship both must be present. One to me is not stronger or more important than the other.

Parakeet said...

@Shona...lol, am sorry you were not second o. Lol. I feel you on not dating a friend's ex...its a brazen thing to do and one must be prepared

aloted said...

@parakeet yes o..both have to be present...i totally agree with that

badderchic said...

me i dont even know sef, is tue love forbidden?

tankojjetty said...

love....

when u havent felt it, u really want to...

when u finally do fall in love, u're like what's the fuss...

u fall in love knowing ur partner might not feel the same way

advice for newbies...
(cause the folks here prolly think they know what love is, funny none is married yet...lol)

dont fall in love...

love hurts...

doll said...

I can date a friend’s ex, if all things are in place, as per ur question. I don’t have an ex but I agree with u, being in luv with one person does not mean u cant be attracted to anoda, u cant lust after anoda, dat u can admire anoda, or wish (briefly) to be with anoda. One thing am absolutely sure of is that being in luv doesn’t give u dat ultimate satisfaction one needs to live a fulfilled life. AT ALL. It may for a while but not 4 eva. Career certainly wont (some people say ur relationship with God culd…I am yet 2 experience this….but maybe just maybe that culd)

doll said...

That said I kinda agree with Funmi, love matters, its important, it’s a gd feeling, a unique, one of its kind feeling I would wish every1 on earth but it is not enough to base a marriage on AT ALL. There are oda stuff dat shuld carry more weight

archiwiz said...

I believe love is cultivated...Similar to the way a farm is cultivated. And there are several levels of love. That's why sometimes its called different names. I agree with Funms because, personally, I wouldn't again want to develop feelings for someone when other things (like FFF talked about) are not in the right place, or position.

That said, I don't know if I can date a friend's ex. If said friend was close to me when they dated, and they as a couple were close to me, it would feel weird. If the friendship has evaporated/disintegrated and I didn't know the guy was an ex of a friend, I probably will.

Scribblers Inc said...

the comment on my last post was really touching, so I really thought that I must visit...This entire thesis on love seems to have come out of experiences...of my experiences, I have learnt one thing...what makes you smile is love...

Scribblers Inc.

Standtall said...

It sure depends on the kind of love you mean. Here, I tak it as the emotional love btw a woman and a man. I will say no, this love does not hold the COMPLETE satisfaction one needs to live a fulfilled life. Having someone you love jsut helps you have the satsisfaction. There are so many factors put together to give one a fulfilled life. Being in love nad being loved just fuels the fulfilment

wellsbaba said...

ma first time here....im still try2digest dis post...illuminatin n I must say thoughtful.....personally I wudnt wana date an Xs friend but I neva knw if i meet her I might b swept of my feet!
I luv dis place!

Mz. Dee said...

really loved d way u likened love to a car.

9jalines summed it up 4 me.. its important dat i choose to love but not at all costs!

Nice Anon said...

Love is a part of life. To have a fulfilling life there has to be love. Love to be honest is taking on someone else's bullshit for the rest of your life! (putting it in plain terms here) There is more to love than the romance part of it. Love doesn't conquer all but it helps a lot.
That's why a lot of times people lose focus on what's important. i.e the wedding isn't what matters but making it work after everyone leaves and it is just the two of you.

dat one okrika girl...xyz said...

I went out with my ex's bf one time but as far as dating a friends ex that one hasn't happened yet. It probably be awkward at first sha knowing me i might accidentally spill something about him that she may have said and he wasn't supposed to know.

As for your question, for me I need more than love to live a fulfilled life, love is good, love is great but sooner or later the rose colored glasses do come off and what do we have left?

Buttercup said...

hmmmm...i once dated my cousin's ex, felt really bad about it but gosh, i was so in love with the dude n i had resisted him for so long before i finally obliged..the love was kinda 'forbidden' but i ddnt care at that point..

u r so right about everythin u wrote in this post!

kmplx said...

LMAO @ your comment. click on pic for regular dealie.

Parakeet said...

@Tankojjetty...where did you get that name sef. Anyway love is a risk and what use is a heart if it cannot love?
@Doll...well said. Love is not all we need to have a fulfilled life and am glad quite a lot of us understand that. Billion pound question though is why do we toil and hurt so much for it?
@Doll...looks like Funms ideas are not so controversial then but I maintain that love is as important as the other ingredients. If love translated here to mean physical attraction is not present then am not going to bother.
@Archiwiz...you're right about cultivating love but you must have things to work with just like to cultivate a farm you must have a good soil to work with
@Scribblers...powerful...what makes u smile is love but only when its going right cos what makes you cry the most is still love.
@Standtall...you've spoken well. Emotional love between a man and woman can be fleeting and may therefore be unreliable for a long life of fulfilment
@Wellsbaba...thanks for the kind words. Men are very practical and i doubt is many of them would date a friends ex. In fact I cant really trust a man's intentions or shall I say his ability to stick with me through thin and thick when the insults from friends and foes starts to pour in. Hence my reservation of openly dating a friend's ex...keyword, openly. lol!
@Mz. Dee...many thanks and yes Naijalines did a good job. I agree with her too al the way.
@Nice anon...I like the way u put it...frankly
@Okrika...I hear u my sister. You know how we women are
@Buttercup...I feel you jare. Thanks.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Dating a friend's ex (depending on how close the friend is) is a personal no go area. That's just me sha...
I dont think love can bring fulfilment...it can add to it, but not give it.
Love is sufficient for a fulfilled life, but it is not necessary for it.

Rita said...

@Parakeet: That is really touching (as per your response to Funms)

@NDQ: That is a very mature response...there are some unwritten rules in relationships, I guess

wellsbaba said...

update now.....great post though had to reread it!

Shubby Doo said...

it bothers me so it is one of my rules...don't date friends but ...erm...erm i've crossed that line sha but only once...

princesa said...

wow...no be only u o babes.
sometimes this Love thing dey confuse me sef.

ibiluv said...

being in love doesnt hold satisfaction to life's fulfillment

being loved does..........

Hunter girl said...

hmmm Babe,honestly if i wasnt sure that i had never met you i would have said you were stealing my brain waves or something!!!

This is a topic that has been on my mind for months now...but i' still thinking of the best way to approach it!!...i agree with most of what you have written but i disgaree with the point 'love is never enough'. Maybe i am a romantic or stupidly naive but i believe love (true love) is always enough. If for anything the Bible it self says 'love conquers all things'. You see being in love does not mean that problems automatically go away, if anything, situations will test your love time and time again.

Love is something you must believe in enough to hold on to not only in the good but also in the bad. When i broke up with my ex recently, he tld me 'sometimes love isnt enough', i replied, no, YOUR LOVE ISNT ENOUGH.

In Church on sunday the priest read from a passage in the Bible which says 'OWE EACHOTHER NOTHING EXCEPT THE MUTUAL DEBT OF LOVE'. That stuck with me....i intend to post something similar ion my blog a couple of weeksowe each other in a few days...please come by and let debate!!!

Gosh..so sorry for the long comments!!!!LOL

Red Sapphire said...

Hey Parakeet..For starters ...thanks for visiting me blog...loved ur comments.Dating an ex before reading your post was a no-noo for me...too uptight or principled to see beyond the truth being love...now i have a different perspective...would probably give it a try if ever i find myself in such a scenario.
But sha na wah...kai is love a complicated thing....

Red Sapphire said...

Guess thats what u get for putting something real smart,innovative and inspiring in ur blog...thanks too for the opportunity to use it.
Still can't get enuf of u...gisting bout u with my friends already....