Monday, 24 August 2009

Marriage Should Be With Bed Undefiled.

So says Hebrew 13:4.

Wow I cant believe it's been a month since I blogged. I hope everyone is well. Thanks very much for the comments in my last post and apologies for not responding personally.

A lot has been going on since my time away and most has been in the area of my emotional development. Not so much spiritual as most of you will think from my subject line. I went to church on Sunday after like 2 months and I was blessed. But no this post is not about the sermon that came from the pulpit.

This post is about a realisation. Something that somehow found its way into my mind considering the haziness that has been the state of it for a while. The day I let that thing slide into me 8 years ago was the day I took a step in the wrong direction. Somehow it has taken me a whole 8 years to realise this and to start to put right.

This as you will have gathered by now is having sex before marriage. It messes up so much but I don't think I knew how much. Even though I grew up in a very strict and religious home as most of us and was well aware the dangers of having premature sex, I still did it anyway. The moment I gained my freedom, it was the first thing I dabbled into with the same naive conviction that this is the man I am going to marry. 8 years on with a number of sexual partners under my belt, alas! I am still unmarried.

It is not the unmarried part that bothers me, it is the pieces of me that my previous sexual partner has taken with them as they move on with their respective lives that riles me. It is the fact that yet another man has seen my nakedness and not made a good woman of me. It is a depressing thought and it has left its toll on me without me paying much notice. I have come to the point now that I am sure sex is meaningless. So much ado about nothing but a mere gratification of sheer animalistic lust. It doesn't even help that every man I tend to meet these days just wants to jump straight into bed and not interested in my mind or anything else.

I ask myself is it too late to say no more to sex with another partner I am not married to? Like what man will take me serious these days if I said no sex until marriage especially as I am not a virgin? What right have I got to tell a potential to wait until the wedding night before he can go the whole nine yards? So now I feel this trepidation, that in the end because I did what I should have done last first, I may have lost a chance to put it right.

However there's this steely determination in me to just go ahead and shun sex. Too late or not I do not have any more desire to have sex with a man I am not married to and I am not looking at this from a religious point of view at all. I just don't think having sex will sort out any problems I have right now especially my apathy to relationship and marriage so I am staying off and if any potential is not happy with my decision he knows where the door is.

Necking is welcome though...wink* wink** wink***. Have a good one guys.



my sista, a good man, who is respectful and fearing will honor your desire to abstain from sex in a relationship. It will be hard, but if that is what your heart tells you to do, then you must do it.

And did I read that necking is welcome? Your are so silly. =)

tankojjetty said...

hmmm...i support u entirely
i think guys feel the same way too
only wish we had the will power
,like u said its a spiritual attachement cause i feel there's a lil bit of me in every woman i sleep with & they in me
now that i want to marry a virgin, i feel i cheated her...& thats something i'll never be able to make right

then there's the fact that everytime u spill into a chick....
u just made a baby, that she'll prolly remove
if its a condom...u just spilled seeds without no conscience

that'll prolly be stretching it lets stick to the spiritual side
to tell u the truth, there's nothing
u only realise it after u're disvirgined...guy or chick

if sex was really in the context of marriage they'll be no qualms o
there wont be....i hope i'm doing it well...i hope i'm not too small...i hope shes not faking it....blah blah blah
this one u no say na for una enjoyment....& then u'll learn on the job it'll be fun learning moves etc & atleast u know noone has seen ur husband or wife naked o

FFF said...

i understand how u feel! even now, married & all, wen i remember some of the dudes i did d nasty with, i cringe. then, i tot i was being sexually liberated! like, am in control of my body & i'd do with it whatever i want, thank u very much. But, it's all well. Shit happens all d time, dear. Not too late to stop. It's never too late.

& as 4 d man waiting until marriage, daz like d sure thing. MM was willing to wait till after d wedding. I was d one who pressured him into breaking dat resolution. Guess, i wanted to know wot it was i was buying into b4hand. LOL

Niks. said...

I so feel you. What you have said is the situation i'm in today. I feel totally devalued because i have allowed men to see my nakedness without becoming a wife to any of them first.
Sex to me is a spiritual thing. Its something i see as sacred and pure. I gave my life to Christ a year ago but i made the decision to remain celibrate four years ago. I may not be a virgin when i give myself to my husband but i already love him now though i don't know him, to savour whats left of me. Kind of like giving the last piece of chicken to your man. Lol.
Besides though i was never that sexually active in the past, when you abstain from sex for a period of time, the sexual experience is said to be similar to the first time. Also don't beat yourself up because in Christ ALL things have become new. When that man finds you, yes he may not be your first but he will become your last and because he will be your husband it will be different (more special) than your past encounters.

temmy tayo said...

I totally agree with you. Marriage should be with bed undefiled. I know how much we human beings scream and shout that it is not easy but come to think of it nothing good comes easy.

Tigeress said...

my dear it is soooooo not late to say no to sex to someone u're not married to. If a guy really likes/loves you, u not wanting to have sex will not deter him. But i'd advice u to date someone who has the same views as you do- if not u will eventually give in- which might lead to resentment.

It's hard to be celibate but possible. But it also makes me ask God- if i'm not meant to have sex before marriage- then why am i still unmarried? Cos meeehhhhnnnn body no bi firewood.

akaBagucci said...

Sometimes clarity hits us like a thunderbolt.... and all hell breaks loose.. Better late than never I would say.. Good luck!

Trybes said...

I am guilty as charged on this and i oftentime feel the same way cuz in all honesty,sleepin around with the many ladies hasnt in anyway added anythin to me but taken somethin out of me that i may never have..I feel your loss but be comforted with the words of the Holy Bible which says that "even before we were born,he knew our make". We all have our imperfections but we can only make it right with God the minute we decide that we'v had enough and plan on takin a different route..

doll said...

never too late...i aplaud your decision...beside at this point in your life, you dont need time wasters or unserious men..this apart from all the pros in a good yardstick to sieve the shaft from the ....

Anonymous said...

I dont agree with what you wrote but I am just going to hold my peace...because its your opinion. Any Man who does not take your conviction seriously is DEFINEtely NOT worth your time. Goodluck dearie....xoxo

Kemi said...

Hmm, I say too it's never too late to abstain. It's your body and you can and should decide what's best for it. Anyone who loves you will understand that.

I don't agree with a lot of people when it comes to sex and keeping yourself a virgin for your husband/wife. Not that you shouldn't or it's right or wrong, but its the approach and the thinking behind it that me i disagree with. I don't consider myself a piece of chicken, or that my privates are precious metals or anything like that. I'm a whole, and I'm a package. What my husband gets by marrying me is a beautiful, smart, kind, funny, thoughtful, educated young lady. Finish. My hymen is inconsequential to that deal.

My fiance and I are abstaining and have been abstaining for a while now. We did have sex in the beginning. We pray together and read the bible together and try to grow spiritually together, and in our walk, we just both opened up to each other and talked about it. We just said look, our hearts and minds in guiding us towards this, in that, what God wants for us is to enjoy sex in the sanctity of marriage. We as sinners, but people who love God and want to try as much as possible to follow his will for us, we just decided we'd give it a go. It was a completely spiritual decision that we felt was important in our growth with God.

I think if you're going to abstain you should look at it in that context. It's not about your hymen, or your husband/wife, it's about God. It's like when you're a child and you want to have that 2nd bottle of coke at a party and your mom gives you that look (lol). It's not that that 2nd bottle of coke will kill you, it's not that coke is bad for you, it's not necessarily that you'll enjoy it better with pounded yam in the evening, it's just that your mama has given you that look and if you love your life you berra drop that bottle! lol.

Rita said...

Welcome back and long time. I love the sincerity and openness in this post. There are good men out there and as you make this decision, you will meet that good man your truly desire.

Please read what some shared concerning abstinence

Rita said...

and I like Kemi's comment.

Parakeet said...

@Solomonsydelle…I do hope there are men left like that these days o cos the definition of good now has been distorted. Yes o, necking is welcome…hehehe
@Tankojetty…interesting to know men feel that way too but really this is not about virginity. More about the intrincacies of having sexual relations with someone who then moves on to someone else and vice versa.
@FFF…I know what you mean about cringe. Men who are so unworthy of you yet you give yourself to them all in the name of seeking pleasure that dissipates before you say jack robinson.
@Niks…on the contrary I do not feel devalued. I just feel like such an idiot for letting men most of whom have no creed the right to use my body as they have.
@Temmy…Its not as hard as I used to think because when one looks at the times one has been single without been sexually active with anyone and it was doable, why cant one do it even while one with someone too.
@Tigress…actually am not interested in dating anymore so at least that way I wont worry about sex. If a guy is interested in me, I'll tell him to lets be friends and get to know each other. No exclusivity no nothing. It takes too much out of you abeg and I don’t have energy anymore.
@Bagucci…thanks me dear.
@Trybes…your words are indeed comforting.
@Doll…indeed. No room for time wasters o
@Temite…thanks me dear but am interested in what you don’t agree with. That I have stopped seeing the need of having pre-marital sex and therefore wanna abstain? Pls do tell.
@Kemi…I totally feel you and thanks for sharing your story. I may have taken this decision because I no longer feel the need to have sex cos of what I believe it takes away from me emotionally and psychologically but in the end that decision pleases God. I think I'll stick with that reason and even better that it pleases God. I see sex as a two way street, you enjoy it and enjoy it. I do not need an intact hymen to validate me as a real/good woman. However if I don’t have anymore desire to have sex, it is not because that suddenly validates me as a real/good woman too. It is just what it is really.

Parakeet said...

@Rita...thanks for the resource. Will check it out.

Lil Miss Thang said...

i feel you girl but i believe soul ties can be broken and we have to be very careful before exposing ourselves sexually before being sure that this man you're showing your nakedness to wont walk out of your life taking a piece of you with him... have to be sure that he is going to stay with you and in most cases marriage is what makes that clear

Olufunke said...

This really touched me.
and the comments here have very too

Like everyone has said, its possible and not too late( though not easy) to start to be celibate.

It just means you know the value God has placed on your body and, and you want to treat your body as such.

Any man that respects you and loves you enough would wait and even help you to.
Not all men are animals.

Remember that 'I can do ALL things (only) through Christ that strengthens'
All the best dear.

Afrobabe said...

Have a good what?? Necking??? Lmao..

Yeah, mistakes…but since I have already made that mistake I think I will just remain on that track…
As long as I am not sleeping around I think I am fine shagging the one man while waiting for the one to appear…

But one thing I have come to realise over the years is that there is a time for everything…there is a time for celibacy which for you I guess is now and there is a time for rebellion…it will come in two weeks time…trust me…when you ask yourself after meeting that man that you just must have, that what exactly is the purpose for celibacy…really it’s a time and season…

I think I'll go celibate now so I can rebel during winter cos that cold harsh oh!!!

~Sirius~ said...


only you!

This is a home run post.
comments too.

Myne Whitman said...

You have all the right to say no and wait, it is your body and your prerogative and anybody should respect that.

Zena said...


will you bring your big nyash back in!!

Parakeet, I respect your decision(well it doesn't really matter if we respect it or not) If a man can't hang with that, then he's not the one

and YAAY!! to necking, Body no be wood my sistah!

Tairebabs said...

oooh Parakeet I feel like I wrote this post myself. It's the same way I feel right now. But I have to admit that it really does take will power and also the grace of God. A good and mature man will wait.

Buttercup said...

Coming to this decision is probably the hardest thing ever but it sure is possible. Good luck, babe!

tobenna said...

I'll side with SSD on this.
A good man will wait with you.
Difficult, but can do.

Tisha said...

i pray you can remain celibate till marriage
God will be pleased
and He matters most.

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