Sunday, 1 November 2009

Two-Timing, And You Know It.

Thank you to everyone that commented on my last post. It was something weighing heavily on my mind and I needed to get it out. I'm so glad I did because not a word of condemnation was written but those of encouragement and positivity. Thank you all so much.

So today's post. I am aware that we girls like to snoop around our man. We like to know things he may be hiding away from us. Big question though, if we do find out he has secrets, what do we do? So you look through your man's phone to see if he's been sending or receiving texts from another girl apart from you. Or you hack into his emails to see if he's making the same promises he's making to you to another girl, and indeed you do find something. The 'I love you' he sent to Sarah. Or the 'I'll see you later' he sent to Bisi when he'd told you he was going to be held up in a long meeting at work. If you confront him with your information, how do you explain to him that you came by it in the first place? If you decide not to tell him, how do you deal with these other girls? This is a man you love and have dreams of spending the rest of your life with. He's almost near perfect other than for this new development. In fact you do not have a doubt in your mind that he loves you, but if he does why chase other women or keep secrets?

I've always said to myself that what you don't know would not hurt you, but I'm beginning to think that if it doesn't hurt you now, the likelihood of it coming back to bite you in the butt in future is higher and by then you may not have enough support system in place to help you cope. So sometimes it may pay to know early depending on what the nature of the information is and one could use this as an effective argument for snooping. The downside is though it forces someone to make decisions one may not be quite prepared to make at the time of the information coming to light. Say for instance you find that your man is seeing someone else who he seems to be into. If you confront him, he'd know that you've been through his stuff and if at the time of confrontation you were yet to make up your mind to leave him for his infidelity or not, then things may turn the other way. If what my idea of how a man will treat this kind of situation is anything to go by then I'd say he's likely to take a walk saying he could never trust you even though he was the one in the wrong from the outset. If this happens one will never know if he would have chosen to be with one or the other girl in the first place. Of course this argument will only hold water for a woman who's prepared to forgive a man of infidelity.

Truth is I don't know if I'm for snooping or not because ultimately the problem will always be now that I know what do I do with the information? Say if I find my man has been engaging in internet dating with girls he's not in the same location with. While they may not pose an immediate threat to our relationship, it is still a form of infidelity and if I bring it up with him, he'd know I've been snooping and then becomes more secretive. Is his internet relationship enough for me to walk out on our relationship? If I decide 'no' and do not bring it up then trust is damaged and enjoying the relationship becomes difficult.

What do you say guys?

19 comments:

Sugarking said...

I dunno sha, but me I believe what I don't know will definitely not kill me, and I do not go looking for it in the first place. I ask myself if i'm happy in the relationship, and if the answer is truthfully yes, why would I want to stir up something?

I mean that's a clear case of someone being so happy, they start to itch for some un-happiness isn't it?

Nice Anon said...

Like I say all the time. relationship no be by force. If you cannot stay faithful then stay single and play around. I don't know sha. If i find something fishy I will talk about it and bounce when I am done. I don't do side dishes

Myne Whitman said...

I'm a very curious person and I made sure SO knew from the outset. I snoop as a second nature. I'll rather know and be proactive than remain happy and in the dark for a little while.

BBB said...

trust me dont snoop....
av done it and it comes back to bite u on d ass......
just makes u feel miserable

Anonymous said...

If I end up snooping and I find something, I'm bringing that stuff up...because I will be bouncing afterward. Why is he keeping side pieces while in a relationship with me (or vice versa). I am not advocating snooping but I am sure as hot water not advocating sitting in the dark. If your God given instincts are telling you there are issues, I would act on them. Like Nice Anon says, relationship no be by force. Closing your eyes to such issues will def come back to bite your behind. This is an interesting topic!

mizchif said...

I am a snoop by nature, it is not my fault, it is genetic. That being said, i believe knowledge is power, if you don't know, you can't do anything, so if you'd rather not do anything, then do not bother knowing.

I once found out i had a co-girlfriend and i quietly carried my kaya and stepped i didn't even do any confrontation sef, cuz i knew he was going to deny it anyway.
But that's just me tho, i'm sure it doesn't apply in all cases.

Writefreak said...

If you feel a need to snoop in your relationship, IMO, it means something is wrong deep down and you're not so sure you trust the person...

Trust me, it's better not to snoop or more like to be with the person you're sure you can trust!

ibiluv said...

i usually dont snoop

too much trouble.........

Repressed One said...

The thing about snooping is...if you go looking chances are you Will find something. Problem is, it's kinda hard to determine what is innocent and what isn't because usually your mindset [albeit subconscious] is biased...if not u wouldn't feel the need to snoop in the first place.

If i do 'come by' some information i won't be comfy until it is addressed.

TRYBES said...

I feel you but dont you think that sometimes its best to deal with what you have head on than being distracted by irrelevant stuffs from the sidelines...

Tryin to sniff brings on more trouble than you can handle,so learn to trust even when it doesnt seem to be the right thing to do and hopefully if you have been really honest with your boo,somewhere,along the line, he will tie himself..

hope my tots counts..

Anya P said...

For me, if i don't confront the matter there and then, it'll affect everything else for me in the relationship. I need to get it off my chest.

tankojjetty said...

Hmmmm...if you snoop on your guy, then you dont trust him...full stop

Tigeress said...

I'm sorry- if u feel the need to snoop- i think there is something seriously wrong with the relationship or u as an individual. thats just my own thots- i might be naive. No woman should take pride in snooping. And the little i know- its a put off. I know i'll be irritated if my bf/husband was snooping thru my phone.

Afronuts said...

I still don't understand why a man would get pissed and accuse a woman of snooping on him when she discovers he's having an affair either online or physically.

Rather he should be ashamed if caught and admit it.
If you suspect anything, then you have the right to snoop around and be sure because there's no secret that stays hidden forever.

The earlier you get to find out the better so you can decide how you want to get on with your life.

I'm never scared when my wife goes through my text messages or comes across my e-mails becuz my conscience is clear and I'm innocent. Only a guilty man would get defensive!

TinTin said...

mehn i wont lie ive done all that snooping and 99% i found out shish i didnt want to find out!
now i'm a bit older i'd like to think my relationship are based on trust and what not!!

Parakeet said...

@Sugarking…I hear you but what if that happiness is only temporary because the hidden agenda ur partner have may have?
@Nice…I agree with you. Since writing this post I've decided that if I find something unpleasant I have to move on but not without him knowing what I found.
@Myne…Am so with you. What's the point of being happy now when a massive danger lurks in the dark for you. Yet u're presented with an opportunity to avert it and you don’t take it.
@BBB…I think the miserability will only last for a bit. Snooping most times turns out for the snoopers greater good.
@Anonymous…spot on.
@Mizchif…yea I think you put it in a good perspective. Only snoop if you're ready to take action.
@Write….you may start out trusting then develop reason not to trust so much, so snooping may arise as a result of u trying to allay ur fears.
@Ibiluv…could that be becos u take care of urself by not relying too much on the bloke?
@Repressed…hmm. I think maturity and experience could help in deciphering what's innocent and what's intended.
@Trybes…you make sense, but it'll only work when you're dealing with a man with conscience and discipline
@Anya P…and possibly lose the guy in the process but then that's far better than being a part of an elaborate scheme to break hearts later in the future.
@Tankojetty…sure.
@Tigress…there maybe something wrong with you or the relationship if you snoop, but snooping could hold the key to resolving it depending…
@Afronuts…I love your response. Truth is something must have gone amiss for someone to decide to snoop and when something is found, it’s the guilty party that should own up, nit the snooper who shud be ashamed of what they've done.
@Tin Tin…longest time. Hope you ok? Good that u've experienced it. Thing is if I felt something was wrong in my relationship, I'll ask my partner. If he says all is fine yet I still get that sniggering suspicion, then am gonna embark on a snooping spree, lol.

musco said...

this is really hard to comment on but I feel if u think he's into some shady deals women-wise & ur instincts re telling u dis may continue,I wld advise u start looking 4 a way out!

m1ke said...

snooping around is very very dangerous. na dat time u go see werin ur eyes no suppose see. the pain go come enter ur body like say na pin dem use chook u. it''s better to trust ur lover flawlessly.

Afrobabe said...

I ALWAS SNOOP!!! Some things you can deal with, those I ignore…i.e. message to Bisi, you really looked good last night.

Some I cannot and will not ignore and don’t care one way or the other if it confirms I have been snooping cos we really don’t have much of a relationship for him to be sending those lind of texts in the first place..i.e
I dream about your boobs every night…Monkey, the only boobs you need to be dreaming about are mine!!!!