Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Who's your happiness dependent on?

I was having a messenger conversation last night with a friend of mine who's just left his wife of 4 years and has a 3 year old daughter. He was trying to give me advice on marriage and some important things popped out of our conversation. It makes a long read but the points made are quite important and relevant and I will like to know what your point of view is. There are no right or wrong ideas.

Below is excerpts from our conversation.

Friend: na wife go determine if the man go live happily or not. once una marry, u let urself go, all those things weh u do to catch am, u stop. all the lace bra, push ups, go turn to cottons later, all the low rise jeans go turn to wrapper rise
Ollay: its not as simple as that
Friend: even a pastor friend weh i get deh complain too
hin wife no deh give am do anymore, shes always tired
for six months now no sex

Ollay: you men fail to appreciate the psychological and physiological changes women go through when they grow older and have kids
Friend: hmm u never go thru am now so how u wan take know
Ollay: as a woman i can identify with other women who have gone thru it
Friend: yea some men are bad, we all know that,but suprisingly, na the good ones deh suffer
Ollay: u guys need to start changing your thinking and attitude. While it is not acceptable for a woman to let herself go it is unfair for a man to ask a woman to be like she was when she was 24 after she's had one or more kids, grown older with slower metabolism and has more responsibility both in the house and at work
Friend: ok, u know what, lets have this conversation in ur second year of marriage
just remember everything weh we discuss today
cause me i no deh forget stuff

Ollay: listen am not saying you're not mentioning what the poblems are but you men just fail to see the sheer scale of it
and that in itself is a problem you expect too much and think too much about your dicks. where is the compassion
how many men are still their trendy self as when they first got married. were you not the one saying you want to loose weight too, that's the same way it is for women. men get away with murder yet crucify women. have you forgotten they have feelings too?
Friend: at least i realised i need to loose weight, u guys don’t. after na don born, dem don deh call u mama risi,e don finish everything go just deh sloppy
Ollay: trust me they do. am undertaking a research for my dissertaion. I sampled 102 women and 96% of them have tried to loose weight but its difficult.
Friend: dem wan lose weight aftr men don dissapoint them. tell me about women weh deh husband house
Ollay: nah, a sizable number of them are married
Friend: really
Ollay: sometimes I really do wonder what planet men come from,your arguments are so one-sided. while I agree with you that some women do sit on their butts and do nothing abt their look you fail to see that men have unrealistic demands
Friend: i am not saying we do not have faults men have faults, we cheat,but most times its because our women lose the sex urge, stop looking attractive and stop caring about themselves. i am talking from experience,so will many men
Ollay: na lie what abt the men who cheat on perfectly stunning women, you will say its cos they have one comma. abegi
Friend: women dont know what it takes to make thir man happy anymore.
Ollay: why shud men depend on women to be happy? why cant they seek their happiness for themselves, everything is a woman's fault. am sick and tired of men trying to pull the wool over women's eyes due to their own inadequacies
Friend: thats what u think, u still thinking like a single person
Ollay: you never waka so? you think she wont be happy anymore or you wont be happy anymore? abeg leave story
Friend: ok, u go soon enter. i have been there, u have not, if u marry and leave because u are not happy,whats the probabilty that the next one will be better. thats why our grandmothers teh for husband house cause deh work it out
Ollay: who needs a man to be happy I dont depend on a man to be happy he's coming into my life to share in my happiness and to give me more happiness not to make me happy. Am gonna try my best to live in harmony just like I would do if i was at work or church or anywhere else. And if after I’ve done my best, he’s not happy then the door is there for him. if he compromises my happiness and I’ve tried to make things work to no avail, the door is there for me. Let no man come and tell me am the architect of his own misfortune. life is what we individually make of it not what someone else makes of it for you. chikena
Friend: ok o, u win, ur mentality never change at all. when u marry ,u no know say when one is not happy,the other is not
Ollay: am not saying that each other's happiness dont impact on one anothers. what am saying is that when you are both unhappy and have tried to work it out without success you move on and get ur happiness back.
Friend: u think its that easy abi, stop thinking like this o
Ollay: marriage shud be abt two happy pple who want to share their love and hapiness together but when it becomes difficult to share such love and happiness then they shud find an amicable way to resolve things.
Friend: talk as an educated person but not as an experienced person. let me ask u, are u happy
Ollay: of cos am happy
Friend: with urself?
Ollay: yes
Friend: when u dont have a man
Ollay: absolutely
Friend: ok, good for u
Ollay: happiness have categories, you could be happy being single then have a different sort of happiness when you’re with someone. but it doesnt mean that when you were single you were unhappy. you could also be with someone and be happy but you could break up and find that you're happier. also happiness does not mean you dont compromise or compromise does not mean you cant be happy. bending your rules may not make you completely happy but I doubt you will bend your rules at all if it was going to cost you too much unhappiness. breaking off your marriage may not making you instantly happy but in the long run you may become happier. it all depends on the where, when, why, who, how
Friend: u see ,thats selfishness right there,when u married,its not bout u alone again, u have to stop been self centered. its about ur family
Ollay: selfishness is subjective. what;s the point of rowing 24 7 with ur wifey and the children can hear. how happy do you think they will be?
Friend: u know me, i go rub am to ur face when u change this way of reasoning
Ollay: forget it. life unravels and as it unravels one's points of view changes. so i wait for it to unravel.
Friend: u need loose small of this fire o, u are still young sha, u never see life
Ollay: if u say so


soupasexy said...

dont even know wha to say on this one, but i kinda agree with both of u. men expect too much from us which unfortunately we prolly cant give..

and most married women also let themselves go which sucks. i intend to look more stunning for my hubby o..gats to work hard at mama did it,i'll do it too.

Afrobabe said...

In a lot of ways he is right....

Think about it...before you got married you tried your best to look good and teased him with pieces of lace called panties then u get married and let other things take priority...why??

Me main aim of getting married will be to have official sex so why I go

if the baby is crying he/she will stop when they tire cos I am getting the grove on jare....

now that said, its not all on the woman...he could have tried to spice things up...a new car,jewlery, dining out on an ordinary day would help sweeten her...

tobenna said...

Now I'm afraid.
Very afraid.
Is that what happens after marriage?
What did your friend think?

Ollay said...

@soupasexy...I understand why you dont know what to say because like I noted there are no right or wrong answers. But does this situation not question what 'love' really is? If a man truly loves a woman and she gets drowned in other responsibilities that she forgot to look after herself, shouldn't he help her cope. Like take some of the responsibilities off her and encourage her to look good. What stops him from buying her the stuffs he'll like to see her in or enrol in a gym himself so that they can attend together.
@afrobabe...all well and good...but you know what men can be like. He may turn round to label you an unfit mother. need to be scared of marriage. All you need to ensure is that you are up to the task.

OluwaDee said...

Ok, c eh a woman changes bodywis n psychologically wen she has a baby. It taks setrious work btw man & wife 2 get d woman feeling sexy n being sexy...

We women r smtms guilty of negleting ourselves wen we av kids, n men r smtms guilty of wantin sx d way it was b4 d kids. 2 resolve ds it wil tak serious communicatin n support 4 each oda. Instead of criticm or nt sayin anytn.

Ollay I am very sure in a few years u will av more understandin on ds issue. & so will I.

10ks 4 stpn by my blog.

AnyaPosh said...

long story! your friend dey yarn some serious stuff sha, like how he says low rise jeans go turn to high rise wrapper.LOL

But it's true. Some women do let themselves go, I guess their attentions shift away from their husband to some kind of shared balance with their children. It is this loss of the wife's complete attention that seems to aggravate many men. Some don't even know it...they might re-word it differently or say she is "letting herself go", but it's true. Subconsciously, many men cannot come to terms with no longer being the centre of her life. In some ways they become relegated to the backseat and that position must definitely hurt!

@ afrobabe, i'm right there with you o! Marriage is where it's at with the official sex! hahaha

nneoma said...

"all the lace bra, push ups, go turn to cottons later, all the low rise jeans go turn to wrapper rise"

you're friend is hilarious. I have to agree with both sides here - both you and your friend...its all about give and take.

from afrobabe and others - "Me main aim of getting married will be to have official sex so why I go"

am telling you...........

Honeywell said...

i agree with you wholeheartedly in this situation.. I found some of the things your friend said slightly offensive, but that is simply because of the small feminist in me :) how can someone expect so much from someone else when they cannot do the same themselves? from his tone, he married for the wrong reasons... she was prolly attractive, good in bed, etc... so now that she has had a child, and does not feel like getting her groove on, what interested him the first place is no longer there, and thats why he feels unhappy (or this is what i can glean from your convo with him). Fine, most married women let themselves go. Must we exercise and maintain a size 0 by eating only carrot sticks until our dying day to please men? PLEASE! all of a sudden, i now realise why some women just decide to go gay mehn...

ladyguide said...

.....once una marry, u let urself go, all those things weh u do to catch am, u stop. all the lace bra, push ups, go turn to cottons later, all the low rise jeans go turn to wrapper rise, lol! so funny but very TRUE, as 4 me i support ur friend well well o, infact lets continue this conversation in ur second year of marriage, lol!


Charizard said...

As a person I think things swing both ways on a very sincere note cuz...the couple is a team and they need to work together to try and make things work every single day...they should not see things in tha marriage as a duty rather as a sacrifice albeit of love...

And of course we must not forget the most important one of all communication

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

ok this guy pissed me offf...and i hope the reason he did not leave his wife is because of her weight problems...mtchewwww

Sha said...

Na wa oh.. so he left his wife cuz of her weight and cuz she stopped wearing sexy lingerie??

Ollay said...'re right that I'll understand better in a few years as I think that motherhood softens even the most pig-headed pple like me.
@Anyaposh...Men just act like babies irrespective of their age and experience
@nneoma...thanks for stopping by my blog. Its all about balance in life I guess
@honeywell..I agree with you, feminist or no feminist. The guy is a confused soul. He's spent the last 6 years chasing me saying I should have been the girl he married. I guess I had a lucky escape.
@Ladyguide...I guess we cant all agree on everything. Thanks for reading my blog. Much appreciated.
@Charizard...thumbs up. Marriage should be a team thing not a blame thing.
@Zephi...thankfully am not the only one with a short circuite. He married for the wrong reasons and so left for the same.
@Sha...obviously he wont say that was why he left his wife. He told me they could not stop rowing but through our conversation, not once did he mention the row but how unattractive she had become. Double standards from someone calling me selfish. How does 4 years show his own perseverance?

Oluwatoyin Ajao-Dawodu said...

Dear Olly, you have the right response to everything trust me.

It baffles me why men and the society always want women to bear the brunt of everything negative. They always excuse themselves and blame everything on women.

Ghandi said be the change you want to be in the world. I think our men shd do just that.

My pastor once yabbed the men by telling them that they always forget what they have done to thier wives, making her lose her once stunning figure cos of child birth etc and he challenged them by asking if they too still look as good as they were when they first got married.

Men with excuses.

It is good for pple to know that thier happiness depends on themselves and not on another person. A happy heart attracts another one.

Oluwatoyin Ajao-Dawodu said...

Sorry I meant to write be the change you want to SEE in the world

Ollay said...'re very right indeed...we shud start the change within ourselves before seeking it in the world and I like your closing remarks that a happy heart attracts happy people. Thank you.

guerreiranigeriana said...

hmmmnnn...i'm with afrobabe and anya...marriage means official, sanctioned and on-demand sex!!!!!...and i can't wait...that means though that i expect my husband to be in shape...i have an aversion to obesity...both for me and myself though...i won't expect from him what i don't expect from myself...

...i agree with a lot of what you said...your happiness does depend on yourself...but there are ways in which others influence that...dunno...this thing is tough o!!!...

Abbie said...

How about reciprocity?? Are these kind of men familiar with that word?? I know for a fact that if I loose interest in sex, it's because he let himself "go". Who says I don't want him to keep doing all the things he did when we were dating.

You keep my interest, I keep yours. Otherwise it's fair game. And if you want to leave after I had your children and gained weight? Then bounce. Your simple narrowed mind, not mine.
Somebody will appreciate my full figuredness.

Ollay said...

@Gnaija…I think its about rub my back I'll rub yours. It takes two
@Abbie…preach it girl! Gone are the days where men trampled upon women like they owned them. Now its either we both look after each others interest or take a hike...

Free-flowing Florida said...

i think ur friend is being 2-faced. women r supposed 2 b unselfish eh? their happiness is to depend on d hapiness of their men, abi? but d men r allowed 2 b selfish, bah? they r walk out on their marriage once their wives stops being attractive? i have only one thing 2 say 2 him: HE SHOULD SHOVE THAT ARGUEMENT OF HIS UP HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

As far as i am concerned,love is an eye opener and marriage is blind!in other words...right after marriage,there is just absolutely no space for divorce...we've gotta work it force by fire!